Lessons in Leadership: Conflict
Kingdomtide
Rev. Dr. David M. Oliver
First United Methodist Church
Massillon, Ohio
September 6, 2026
Text: Matthew 18:15-20
Opening Prayer: Almighty God, whose Word is authority and power and whose way is love, grant unto us clear minds, understanding hearts, and willing spirits so that we may wisely appropriate your Word of Truth. In the name of Jesus Christ, we pray. Amen.
We continue this morning with our series titled Lessons in Leadership. In the first week we discussed power. Power is the ability to act. As people of faith we use our power to act for the benefit of others just as Christ did. God empowers us to act in a Christ-like manner through the Holy Spirit. Last week we talked about acceptance of leadership and how Moses and Peter accepted the call of God. Whenever we accept God’s call, we do so by relying on the Holy Spirit to fulfill God’s call. God is the one who equips us to answer the call. It’s never a matter of reliance on our own understanding, experience, or energy.
Today, we look at the dynamic of conflict. Whenever there is change, some degree of conflict is inevitable. This is true in our individual lives, our homes, our workplaces, schools, and sometimes in the life of the church.
Since change is part of life, learning to deal with conflict constructively and creatively is essential. Otherwise, we allow conflict to overwhelm and sabotage all the good things that are also occurring whenever we lead.
Just so you know, this is not a message that I wrote because this church is dealing with conflict. This was the prescribed lectionary text for the day so we are addressing it rather than avoiding it. Besides, it is always better to have a plan and an understanding of how we will deal with an issue in advance of a need rather than being reactive and wishing, after the fact, that we had a plan.
If you wish to complete the sermon listening guide in your bulletin, please take it out at this time.
The following is an outline for understanding and dealing with conflict. I will go through the outline and then talk more about the processes needed to engage conflict creatively.
Recognize conflict as a normal sign of difference, change, and shared investment. Conflict is part and parcel of living in a fallen world with imperfect people. We don’t need to see conflict as failure. Handled creatively, we recognize that conflict is an opportunity to listen more carefully and grow in understanding of another person.
Discern what lies beneath the disagreement. Facts, values, needs, fears, relationships, and power are differences that can lead to conflict. The more firmly held these are, the more likely they are to lead to conflict.
Prepare yourself through prayer, self-examination, and lower your level of anxiety. When it comes to conflict we need to dial down and deal with our own fears and anxieties first. We cannot help someone else before we take care of the things that are triggering us. It’s the same principle of being on an airplane and putting on your own oxygen mask first before trying to help another.
Speak directly and listen deeply rather than triangulating or recruiting allies. It is a temptation to bring other people into the conflict before making efforts to deal with it directly. Lining up allies to your view, to your side of things, only deepens the polarization rather than lessening things. We need to care enough to confront the issue(s) head on.
Move from fixed positions to shared interests, common mission, and multiple possible solutions. No one responds well to someone else telling them that their views and priorities are wrong. Finding common ground, points where we can agree and move forward together, is essential. This is why we must learn to listen deeply to one another and ask questions about how they came to their viewpoint, rather than making assumptions about them or attributing bad faith to them.
Use trustworthy processes, appropriate mediation, clear agreements, and faithful follow-through. The goal must always be to win an agreement, not win an argument. In every argument where there are winners and losers, everyone loses. If you think you’ve won an argument, and that is most important to you, then in all likelihood you’ve lost a relationship with the person with whom you are arguing. This is not the goal of conflict. Either we both win or we both lose. Period.
Sometimes we need additional help from outside people to mediate a conflict. The mediator is emotionally uninvolved and can help all parties to begin to listen to and build understanding toward finding solutions and making agreements. Taking that step is preferable to having irreconcilable differences and separation with hard feelings and accusations.
Measure success by truth, justice, restored capacity for ministry, and love—not merely by quiet. In the midst of conflict, silence does not mean agreement. Silence may be motivated by self-preservation, fear, or feeling that speaking one’s mind won’t matter so why bother. Success in conflict will have love at its center. The goal is to grow together, not to get our own way. The desire is to deepen understanding and to benefit from the perspective of another whose views are not your own.
Whether we like it or not, we need one another. We are better off together than we are apart. We have much to gain from the wisdom and experiences of others. No one is strong alone. In the kingdom of God, we must keep in mind that we rise or fall together.
With this outline and information for dealing with conflict in mind, let’s look more specifically at the reality and dynamics that are found in most conflicts.
1. Understand what conflict is. Conflict is not automatically a failure of faith or fellowship. It begins when people who belong to one another perceive that their convictions, needs, expectations, or plans cannot all be honored in the same way at the same time. In a church, conflict may be especially intense because worship, memory, identity, family relationships, and a sense of divine calling are all involved. The fact that people disagree may therefore mean not that they care too little, but that they care very deeply. The crucial question is not whether conflict exists, but whether the group will allow conflict to become destructive or ask God to use it to deepen our understanding, clarify our mission, and cultivate mutual growth.
2. Look beneath the surface. The presenting issue is often only the visible part of the conflict. An argument about music, schedules, money, building use, or a new ministry may conceal grief over change, fear of losing influence, a need to be heard, uncertainty about the future, or pain from an earlier experience. Creative leaders ask, “What is this disagreement really about?” Leaders distinguish facts from interpretations, interests from positions, and present concerns from old wounds. They also notice differences in authority and access because a process cannot be fair and just if some voices are consistently ignored. This kind of discernment does not excuse harmful behavior. Rather, it helps the group address the real matter rather than fighting repeatedly over its symptoms.
3. Begin with self-examination. Before trying to correct another person, each participant should ask what is happening within themselves. Am I anxious, defensive, embarrassed, or determined to win? What assumptions am I making? How have my words, silence, or conduct contributed to the problem? Prayer creates space between our tendency to be reactive and act on impulse and a more helpful, slowed-down response. Taking some time for prayer makes it possible to speak with both courage and humility. Lowering the group’s anxiety is equally important because frightened people listen poorly and react quickly. A pause, a prayer, a slower pace, or an agreement to return after some time is given for reflection, can keep a hard conversation from becoming a harmful one.
4. Practice the directions of Matthew 18. Jesus teaches us to begin as privately and directly as possible. Instead of complaining to a third person, seeking to build a faction, or posting a grievance, we go to the person involved and speak truthfully. A helpful pattern is to use “I messages” rather than saying, “You did this to me or you made me feel this way.” For example, you might say, “When this happened, I experienced it this way. The concern or need beneath my response is this. I would like us to consider this next step together.” The listener’s task is not to prepare a rebuttal but to summarize what was heard and ask whether the summary is accurate. Having listened to the other person, accurately summarized what they heard, they are then able to share their own perspective. If the matter cannot be resolved, one or two wise and trusted people may help. Broader involvement comes only when it is truly necessary. This protects the dignity of everyone while keeping reconciliation in view.
5. Create rather than merely compromise. Creative conflict asks more than, “Which side will win?” It asks, “What are we trying to protect, and what would faithfulness make possible?” Two groups may hold opposing positions while sharing deeper interests such as honoring tradition, welcoming new people, caring for children, practicing good stewardship, or keeping the church’s witness credible. Once those common interests are named, the group can generate several options before judging any of them. It may test a proposal for a season, combine elements of competing ideas, invite new voices, or design a third approach no one had previously considered. Compromise divides what already exists; creativity can enlarge the field of possibility.
6. Use a trustworthy process. Good intentions are not enough; groups need clear practices. Agree on the question being decided, who has responsibility, what information is needed, how every person will be heard, and when a decision will be made. Establish simple covenants: speak for yourself, describe behavior rather than attacking character, do not interrupt, maintain appropriate confidentiality, and refuse gossip. If the conflict is entrenched, highly emotional, or complicated by unequal power, invite a trained neutral mediator or denominational resource person. Mediation is not proof that the church has failed. It is a disciplined form of peacemaking that helps people hear one another, clarify choices, and make workable agreements.
7. Seek reconciliation without confusing it with avoidance. Peace is not simply the absence of visible disagreement. A congregation can appear quiet while resentment, exclusion, intimidation, or unresolved injury remain beneath the surface. Christian reconciliation joins grace with truth and love with accountability. Forgiveness does not require pretending that harm did not occur, abandoning wise boundaries, or restoring trust before trustworthiness is demonstrated. Sometimes faithfulness produces a repaired relationship; sometimes it produces respectful distance, a clear boundary, or an agreed separation from a role. The test is whether the process honors dignity, tells the truth with love, protects people from further harm, and makes faithful ministry possible.
I have one more insight to share about this passage. The church’s function is to be a force for reconciliation. The Scriptures say, “God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself and God has given us the ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-19). Leaders are called and empowered by God to aid in healing the breaches between people, overcoming what keeps us apart. We are about loving and respecting one another despite our differences.
“Wait a minute,” someone might say, “there is a call to outsider-ness in this passage.” Many of us have been taught to believe that we are to give reconciliation our best shot, but if it doesn’t work, then we can boot folks out. That is what verse 17 is saying, isn’t it?
Verse 17 says that if the one who has caused the offense refuses to be reconciled, then treat them “as a Gentile and a tax collector.” “Boo, hiss,” we say, “toss them out.”
Before we take this course of action, let’s pause a moment and remember how Jesus treated tax collectors. Remember that Jesus put one of them on his team. How did Jesus treat Gentiles? He preached to them; he invited them. He included them.
In his teaching Jesus is not suggesting that we despise or mistreat those who see things differently than we do. We are to treat others, the breakers of the covenant, with love and invitation. We are to be motivated by the desire to heal what is broken.
We might have to change tactics in dealing with those who refuse to be a part of the community of faith, but Jesus is not suggesting that we treat them with hatred, bitterness, or condemnation. Recall that Jesus treated those inside the community of faith much differently from those outside. In fact, his harshest words were for those inside the covenant because he felt that they should know better and act differently. He had higher expectations of them. He was more willing to point out their failings. The outsiders, the sinners, were encouraged and invited, challenged to be sure, but with great love, grace, and gentleness with restoration in mind.
So, when Jesus says treat them like outsiders, he wasn’t saying turn your back on them. Instead, he was saying to change tactics. And all along, he was saying we ought to be doing this together. Reconciliation is a team effort, not an individual exercise. It is what we are about as the people of God.
I remind us all that Holy Communion is an act of reconciliation. God was in Christ reconciling each of us to himself (2 Corinthians 5:19). God was in Christ healing the sin of our hearts and minds and the brokenness of our relationships. He wasn’t about rejecting us or treating us as outsiders unworthy of love. He was about healing, restoration, reclaiming us from the power of sin and inviting us to experience the transforming power of God.
Jesus said, “Do this in remembrance of me” (Luke 22:19). The opposite of re-member is dismember, to tear apart and destroy. Jesus’ command and invitation to re-membrance is to repair the ruptures in relationships, to deal with conflicts creatively and intentionally in our lives—with God, with others, and within ourselves.
Re-membrance and the sacrament of Holy Communion are powerful tools for healing conflict and inviting God to be a part of that which might otherwise threaten to dismember us.
Thanks be to God for his marvelous gifts that empower us to lead well and to use our leadership skillfully to be healthy stewards of power, responsive to accepting God’s call to discipleship, and creative, responsible agents of reconciliation in the face of conflict.
Let us pray.
O God, we need you every day, every step of our way through life. Forgive us for the times when we have been poor examples of leading through conflict. Help us to take your instructions and example to heart. Please help us to repair the ruptures that we either created or we have allowed to linger unhealed. We want to do better, to live better, and to listen more deeply toward understanding, healing, and reconciliation. We pray these things in the strong name Jesus. Amen.
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